Awakening Journey (Part III)

Cw @ Switzerland

When I was approached by sweet Barbara and the thought of me not being forgotten, made me feel so warm and touched. Much memories came back. Similar title but different feel and thoughts. I was given another reason to read what I have written 4 years ago. You can walk down this memory lane with me.

I opted for this post to be shared on this special day because each year, this was a day that emotions are especially strong. I reflected on anything and everything, significantly on my achievements and my mistakes.

This year was another milestone in life. I have officially graduated from university and landed myself in my dream job in the desired industry.

Human Relationship
Human relationship was something I treasured and craved for in the past. I love being around people and I was always the one who initiated meet ups or outings. There were much vivid memories of me spending time to have late night chats with friends. I was always nice to people but to the younger me, it would have been fake if I said I did not expect the same back. I recalled, often I felt hurt at people’s decisions of wanting to cut ties. People around me seemed to leave without any tinge of hesitation. Those moments were upsetting and was something that I could not comprehend. I remembered looking for an answer at times but obviously there was not any.

“The only thing that is constant is change.” – Heraclitus
As I grew older, things have changed tremendously. It was no longer that easy to meet up with people, talk to people and the late-night chats that I love became lesser and lesser. Denial was something I encountered. I struggled to accept changes which eventually as I grew older, it was something I had to learn to accept. It took me awhile to learn that it is never about the quantity but quality. I questioned the point of having so many acquaintances but during my down times, who will be there to listen to me? I could also easily link it to a concept I used to have. I wanted to live longer if I could, to be a centenarian, to flaunt this achievement of living long. But was I able to tell people at that point of time that I have lived my life to the fullest? In my hesitation, I guess I found my own answer.

“It is not length of life, but depth of life.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
In my job, people share with me all sort of stories. Some make you feel touched because you feel the sincerity and love one could give to another and that is the purest asset one can have in life. On the other hand, you see the ugliest side of human, the hurt; pain and regrets people have experienced, which shape them to be who they are today. The expectations in society often cause us to forget that we are just humans and mistakes are part of being human. The more we want, the more we chase and when we fall, we sink deep right in. Many times, we forget how to pick ourselves up. It was also at the point of time when I felt, relationship with humans was something I will like to protect.

“Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” – Mary Tyler Moore
In these years, I have lost and gained. Some people left while the others remain. I stopped chasing for people who do not reciprocate even after much attempts. I stopped being the person who tried hard to please everyone and to keep everyone in my life because I know deep in my heart, some people come as blessings whereas the others are life lessons.

“In every end, there is also a beginning.” – Libba Bray
That step to make this decision was not easy, but it was like an open door to me. I felt free. I constantly remind myself to live my life to the fullest each day, so I will not have any regrets if I were going to leave tomorrow. Today, I still stick to my values and principles of always being kind to people, regardless of any differences. I am on my way to do my little part for the society and I am proud of making that small difference.

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa
Each of our life, is our awakening journey. Self-realization, acceptance and learning to embrace who you are, are just the parts and parcels of it. We never stop learning and we pay the price of each decisions that we make. My very own journey led me to various paths, allowing me to be a different person than I was before. I strongly believe our insignificant bits made significance to our lives and it is beautiful and perfect just like that.

Lastly, to me today, happy birthday.

January Challenge – My Awakening Experience and Moving On.

This ‘January Challenge – My Awakening Experience and Moving On’ was started by this amazing lady here, Barbara Franken whereby she invited a group of bloggers around to join in this challenge. I am really honoured and thankful to have this chance to join in this sharing session!

So is the 27th January 2013, the day I scheduled to have this post so here is my share.

When I first signed up for this challenge, I thought really hard. What were the incidents that have happened that changed me the most?  To many of us, some changes are inevitable and probably we might just even treat them as parts and parcels of life.

What I felt when I first saw this “awakening experience”, I thought about a scenario whereby a life-changing experience have happened to a certain person and it changes the person’s life and allowing him or her to realize their true inner self that have been concealed in them for a long period of time. It is not the usual self that they have portrayed to the society, but the real them.

I recalled this incident vividly that have happened to me and yes, an awakening experience for me. It happened when I was 18. I was just a normal school girl until one fine day. When everything changes…

It was during my hectic period of school life and one fine day, I spotted a floater in my left eye. I thought it was just because I was too tired recently and I prayed hard nothing major was going to happen. But days after days, there were still no changes. I started to worry. I decided maybe it was time for me to see the doctor. Till today, I remembered the fear and worry I had back then. I remembered going to the nearby clinic and the doctor got worried as well, she told me she suspected it was retinal detachment and referred me to the hospital. My check-up at the hospital was around 4 days after going to the clinic and those 4 days were probably the longest period of time I have gone through. Time seemed to be passing so slowly and every single day, I cannot help but think about what was really wrong with me. There were nights I spent hiding in my blanket and cried until I slept. The suspense was really too much for me to take and I felt really helpless.

So eventually that day came. During the check up, I was really nervous and when it was confirmed that I was diagnosed with retinal detachment, my heart literally sank. Knowing I had to do a surgery, I was not sure how I could handle it. I had matters that were worrying me. First, it was the surgery. Who will not freak out when you heard that the doctor is going to remove your eyeball, put something in and put your eyeball in? I was not just afraid of the surgery process but I was also afraid of the result. All I can say was I was afraid because I was afraid. I felt I did not have the courage and confidence to handle this and this was what scared me even more. Secondly, it was my school project work. I understood how important these two were to me and all I could think about was why me? Why out of so many people, and it just had to be me?

My mother brought me to a private hospital for a second consultation and listen to their views. They said that retinal detachment normally happened to older people and I was only 18! Once again, I felt that it was unfair. However, the doctor wanted to do the surgery immediately because he said it was an emergency case. He decided to try laser surgery first due to my young age and if necessary, then the big surgery. I was shocked. I had not made any mental preparation! He decided to do a laser surgery first to see if he could stop the retinal from falling any further. So at 4pm that afternoon, I had my surgery. I remembered the doctor telling me to try and keep the lens in my eyes or if it dropped out, he would have to redo it again. Hearing that, I somehow felt courage surging up. I was determined to get this done, once and for all. I even told the nurse to press me down if I were to move because of the pain. I guess never in my whole life would I forget the surgery process. During the surgery, I thought about happy memories and the number of things I have not done yet. This surgery had to be successful.

Eventually, the surgery was over. Even the doctor and nurse praised that I was brave. :’) I was glad but I was hurting too. When I thought everything was over, it was not. The very next day, when I went for a follow-up check-up then he realized, I had to go through another round because there was still fluid at that portion of the retinal. So in the end, I had my second round of surgery. I was sure that I was even braver this time round.

However after the surgery, I felt like my inner self had been awakened and it was as if I was a new-born all over again and everything just seemed to fall into place. Though I have lost 10% of my vision, I was thankful that the surgery went well and even more grateful that it made me appreciate things in my life, even those small little ones. For example, in the morning, someone could just say a simple, “Good morning!” That simple gesture could totally brighten up my morning! These are small little things we always tend to neglect and take for granted in life, or it could just be that we do not even bother to care.

After that incident, I learnt to see things in another perspective. I slowly learnt to see things more in depth than just looking at the things that were just on the surface point and dealt with problems with a different approach. Not only that, I am definitely thankful for my optimism in life all along since young and grateful for my family and friends’ support throughout this hard period of time.

So after that, I continued blogging and found my interest in the things I want to blog. I did not just want to purely want to talk about my own life, but I want to share with everyone lessons I have learnt in my life. I want to inspire people through my words and through experiences I have gone through. From that, I really wish that they could find out their real self too.

I started to write poems from feelings I have experienced or stories I have seen or heard. Although I might not have seen a lot in my life because of my young age but I can say that, up till now, I have learnt many lessons in life that many have not discovered or “attended” yet.  I am really glad to say that I am enjoying how things are right now and though there are small little obstacles here and there in my life, I know how to handle it better than before.

I also started to read books that were more to the philosophy types and I really loved them. Then it came to me at a point of time, when I saw this quote and thought how true it was. It was a quote, written by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “It is not length of life, but depth of life”, and I thought I did not just want to live my life plainly but I want to do things that I love, things that I have passion in and try out things that I did not want to back then. I want to count my blessings, enjoy my life to the fullest extent and leave no regrets in this journey.

I am really happy to say that, I really love how I am right now and I hope the same for you too!


So here are the other wonderful bloggers who have joined in this challenge:

1st     Barbara  –
2nd    Paddy    –
3rd     Emanuel-
6th     Julianne –
7th     Sarah     –
8th     Shree     –
9th     Dace      –
10th   Korinn    –
11th   Sindy     –
12th   Stefanie –
13th   Mick      –
15th   Megan   –
16th   Pat         –
17th   Marga    –
18th   Kimberley –
21st   Heather     –
23rd    Sue          –
24th    M…          –
25th    Brian G    –
26th    Dotta       –
27th    CW          –
28th    Laurie       –
29th    Debra       –
30th    Linda        –
31st    Michael     –

1st      Leigh        –
2nd     Shaman   –
3rd     Joss         –
4th     Jenna       –
5th     Shelley     –
6th     Elisabeth  –
7th     Michael    –